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Ego = 1 / Knowledge: Arrogance vs. Confidence

 

Sometimes I question if I am a very intolerant tolerant person or a very tolerant intolerant person.

I can be very open-minded. A healthy intimate relationship among three people? Amazing. Pursuit of becoming a rapper? Courageous. Preference for frequent Vegas weekends? Fun. Preference for staying in? Fun. Member of a consent-focused BDSM community? Beautiful. Plan for 5 children? Joyous. Plan for no children? Joyous.

But when it comes to filtering for friendship investment, I mandate certain values/attitudes and harbor a couple Clifford-size pet peeves. One of my sharpest turnoffs is arrogance.

When I encounter someone who presents an "I am great - in fact, better than most/all" attitude, I know we won't become close (yes, I realize effects of self-fulfilling prophecy). I avoid at the onset or detach post a few hang-outs. You see, while some of my besties practice "unless there is a strong reason not to connect, let's try", I practice "unless there is a strong reason to connect, let's continue our lives as is".

Now, I want to be clear to distinguish arrogance from confidence. Mainstream representation suggests a thin difference, but I find the two dichotomous. In fact, I believe arrogance is evidence of diffidence - a lack of genuine esteem:

• Confidence doesn't mean hiding one's accomplishments - it means acknowledging them at appropriate times, for appropriate reasons. Confidence is supporting one's study ethic by highlighting one's near-perfect LSAT score to the admissions officer (not me but one of my besties). Arrogance is the overwhelming need to announce one's exact score when asked "how did you do" in casual converesation b/c "good" just wouldn't garner sufficient validation.

• Confidence doesn't mean downplaying one's skill level - it means recognizing the myopia of our self-evaluation lens. Confidence is working hard and recognizing that one "gets" choreography faster than most others in a class. Arrogance is believing that this makes one a "good dancer", because outside one's small pond is a vast ocean full of those more passionate and well-trained.

I developed this conviction around confidence and arrogance when I was very young. It is plausible, actually, when you considered with whom I grew up:

Dad
Dad isn't your chattiest Charlie - when others debate in social settings, he listens intently, sprinkles a few comments, and admits when he is uncertain. But he reads the news religiously and has a great memory for dates and names - if you probe, you realize just how much knowledge he has acquired. He says "I think" or "it's likely", even when he is quite sure. Many who mistake this as lack of knowledge miss the underlying wisdom - of how many things can we actually be certain? Did we really read the article that closely? Did we confirm with multiple sources? Did we conduct our own empirical experiments to verify?

I recall the many times I heard others voicing opinions so eloquently and absolutely, which was surprising considering how superficial their knowledge revealed itself when probed with the slightest of follow-up questions. 

I recall people overlooking my dad's solid knowledge for others' semblance of confidence. I wondered whether they were just attempting to placate internal insecurities by grasping at inflated external certainty. I was lucky to have my dad as a helpful resource growing up (though later Mum realized I asked to avoid having to look things up myself). He represents one of my favorite adages: "A wise man says 'I think'; a fool says 'I know'".


Mum
Mum embodies the ideal I dream for myself - well, rather, the ideal is based off her. As a child, she suffered great poverty during the Cultural Revolution. Every day was a test of will, because starting the day carrying over your body weight in firewood while climbing miles of mountainous terrain on a starving stomach means you have nothing to save you but your will. Her circumstances were unrelenting, but she was even more so. She overcame seemingly impossible odds, such as earning a coveted spot in university at a time where young dreamers were beaten for educational pursuits (we're talking 2 being admitted for that program...no, not 2%. 2 students). 

My mum is the epitome of raw competence - no embellishment, no pretense, because she doesn't need it. She also happens to be one of the most compassionate and humble people you'll come across. Does she not remember her endless list of odds-defying feats? Does she not realize that she has been great, if not among the best, at everything she pursues? Of course not. Mum has always had a strong sense of self-worth and even stronger will. But see, her humility had nothing to do with a lack of belief in herself - it had everything to do with her esteem for others. 

I recall the many times others gloated to her about their achievements (which paled in comparison), and I saw her graciously smile and refrain from counter-gloating. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to point out their own myopia, how many times I laughed inside and thought "if you only knew".


Growing up with these two parents was much more than I deserved. They taught me lessons by example, including what real competence and confidence was. I believe the most competent people are also among the most humble. To achieve that kind of ability (not necessarily "success" in terms of money or status), one has to have a somewhat enlightened consciousness, which means one recognizes the vastness of the world and the myopia of one's own.

We live in a society that is bombarded with stereotypes of what "confident" should look like and messages that assert the importance and benefits of "faking it". I am not denying my own biases and unconscious susceptibility to such messages, but I am also not going to surrender my pursuit of living out my values. 

I want to help build a world I want to live in. I want to live in a world where people like my father are heard - where the opinions of the wise who say "I think" are valued above those of the fools who assert "I know". I want to live in a world where people like my mother are recognized and appreciated more than those who are eager to self-praise, blindly assuming that no one could match, let alone pown, their feats. 

I have been lucky to meet many competent, profound, authentic, humble people. My best friends are very different from one another, but they all share that in common.

For those who are most genuine in their pursuits and who recognize that the roots of confidence and humility are one and the same, I will continue to look up to them. I will continue to learn from them. I will continue to be honored to be a part of their lives. And I will continue to remind them that there are people who see them for their worth - a worth that is so much more than could ever be gloated.

Being Right, Making Wrong

"Love Buttons, Love Bites"
(Gregory Sale)

Me: "[People have different ways of life.] There are those who are homosexual, bisexual - some, asexual, and...."

A: "Or so they claim..."

Me: O_O ........ AFKELRJEWORIDNVKSDJS

Recently, I got into an argument with "A", an acquaintance I met through one of my besties. We were downing coffee & custard cake when I noted that I believed sexual orientation was a spectrum, and different ways were equally legitimate. When A promptly refuted this, my Krav Maga feminist side wanted to deliver a #1 elbow. Granted, I had enough control not to, but I did become emotionally triggered and verbally reactive.

We have all had moments like this; even for the most zen-aspiring, there are still a few topics that trigger more fervent reactions than others. Rather than avoid these topics, however, we can use them as opportunities for mini self-growth spurts. Though the incident itself was minor, I wanted to employ it to remind myself some invaluable lessons:

1) When we react heatedly (to non-life threatening incidents), often we are not reacting to the isolated incidents but to the collective memories of pain that they evoke. Was what A said grossly abusive or unjust? No, not at all. But my reaction had little to do with her as a person or her specific opinion. In fact, I've heard that opinion my whole life, which is precisely why I was triggered.

To me, she echoed prevalent notions that those who live outside social norms are either deliberately misleading others or unknowingly misunderstanding themselves. All I could think of was how this argument has been used against so many who didn't fit within constricting "norm" expectations to shame, dismiss, and undermine the legitimacy of their choices.

Was A's intent to perpetuate this cycle? Maybe, maybe not. I didn't confirm, because I surrendered to my own mental shortcuts, which were quick to label her intentions and project them onto a collective grievance I volunteered to redress. By inexorably broadcasting my own opinions, I attempted to dismiss and undermine the legitimacy of hers, which oddly, was the same cycle of (un)thinking that I was defending against.

I can see the connectedness of harmful social perpetuations, and I hope to deconstruct them. However, I know I can't reach people in the present if I immediately presume and react with the weight of the past. The only way mindsets evolve is to create spaces where all speakers feel heard and are open to hearing. 


2) The domineering need to be "right" stems not from the pursuit of truth or knowledge but nervous protection of one's (mis-attributed) identity. Now, I wholly support developing informed opinions and vocalizing them. However, sharing knowledge and questing for truth are not the same as force-feeding one's opinions to claim "right".

We've all witnessed people defending their opinions so fervently, it's as if they were defending their lives. Why? Well, they actually are  defending their lives - or abstract lives, at least. Many of us lose touch with our real selves (inner Beings) early on in life, so we outsource our identities. We begin to mis-identify our status/things/reputation for our core - thus, my  stance becomes me, so if you ridicule my  opinions, I feel you ridiculing me  at the core. When you attack my belief, by proxy, you attack my existence.

During our argument, it was evident that neither party was listening to the other. No knowledge was being exchanged and no questing for truth. I used to do this all the time (no wonder poor Mum had so many headaches). Over the years, I had to put in a lot of work to untrain myself out of this mental habit. As this incident demonstrated, I still have a long way to go before I live out my zen aspirations, but I am glad that this reminded me of the folly of mis-attributing one's identity. True self-worth is not based on volatile external factors, such as the number of "one-ups" you obtain on others. It stems from the realization that one's full potential lies within, sourced from the formidable, stable consciousness underlying all Beings.

3) Reactions of emotional hysteria or inconsiderate stoicism are actually two sides of the same coin  - inability to navigate emotional triggers. Our community and media glorify the Harvey Specters of the world - you know, the stoic unrelenting non-negotiable negotiators. They suggest that not reacting to or even acknowledging emotions are manifestations of strength. Thus, as a child, I learned how to numb and refrain from empathy. But through these past years of deep introspection, I've come to realize that what I once admired (numbing) and abhorred (emotional hysteria) are symptoms of the same root ailment - lack of competence in navigating emotional triggers. We numb not because we are invincible to pain - we numb when we haven't learned how to endure and treat the pain. 

One of the keys to learning how to navigate emotions constructively is practicing empathy. Empathy doesn't mean accepting grossly unjust views or undermining one's own voice. It means forgoing our "numbing security blankets" and daring to reach out to adopt different lenses. When I put myself in A's shoes, I can understand the effects of her science background and her defensive reaction to my own defensiveness. We met again after this incident - this time, I made a conscious effort to practice curiosity and empathy. To my surprise, I found that on many issues, we were able to bridge connection. When's one own ground is well-rooted and solid, one need not feel threatened to momentarily step onto other grounds and try the view. 

In sum, I recognize there will always be issues I am particularly opinionated about - I hope so, since that means I at least have passion for something. But I also recognize that one's passion is most genuine when one can also maintain compassion, that one's voice is most resonant when one's ear is attuned. I still have a looong way to zen, but I will do my best to contribute to the type of world I want to live in - where there is passion without ego, voice without raucous noise, and finding "right" without making wrong.

Sick of "Yellow Fever"?

(Trailer)

This past weekend, I attended an event for the CAAM festival (Center for Asian America Media). One film that simultaneously intrigued and vexed me even before I viewed it was Seeking Asian Female, a documentary by Debbie Lum that centers on a 50+ white man's obsession with finding a younger Asian (in his case, Chinese) female partner. After daily email exchanges with hundreds of Chinese women, along with an eerily voluminous collection of pictures, letters, and "Sunshine Magazines", he eventually proposes to one of his Chinese pen-pals - the story unfolds as they navigate the harsh realities of marriage given the communication barrier, cultural differences, and financial hardships.

Now, I will not proceed to provide a review of the film - what I am more interested in is joining in the conversation around the cultural phenomenon at the heart of the film: "yellow fever".

"Yellow fever" is a term commonly used when a non-Asian (especially white) heterosexual male pursues Asian female romantic partners at the near or complete exclusion of other ethnicities. I first heard this term in university and quickly realized that this was a debated topic among my fellow Asians peers: some reacted with full (even prideful) approval while others with scornful repulsion.

During the viewing of this film, the constitution of the SF audience was more of the latter camp, as evidenced by the vociferous "auuuughs" and scoffs in the room as we were introduced to the white male protagonist. I myself was one of them. As the film unraveled, though, I found myself thinking about this issue differently. It didn't flip my perspective, but it did help me realize that there was a continuum of different types of "yellow fever" (or any "fever" in which one expresses strong preference for one group over all others).

On one side of the continuum lies natural physical preferences - e.g., one tends to be more attracted to Koreans just as one tends to be more attracted to those with short hair or freckles or Joseph Gordon Levitt. While I understand that the media and surrounding community can greatly influence what is considered "mainstream attractive", I do believe we can be born with attraction preferences, very specific or broad depending on individual. To me, admitting "I tend to be more attracted to X ethnicity" is not harmfully discriminating. Most people choose a select few as intimate partners - in order to selectively commit, by default, they must have filtered out countless other individuals as "not as preferable".

Now, if "yellow fever" were just one example of cross-ethnicity physical attraction, I would laud it. However, the issue I take with it - why, so many of us cringed as white men discussed their preferences for Asian women in the documentary - is that too often, they explicitly or implicitly emphasize, "[Asian women] are so undemanding and submissive...they  make great wives because they'll cook and clean and take care of their husbands". Here, the issue grows beyond the realm of pure aesthetic appreciation - here, the issue enters the realm of gender constructs, Orientalism, and power disparity.

When I hear the above message, whirlwind flashbacks of Gender & Women's Studies class debates, personal encounters with sexism and racism, and the countless narratives of abuse and domestic violence circulate through my mind. Admittedly, they have a habit of culminating into a Krav Maga-friendly impetus "kick 'em in the groin!"

I can't speak for all Asian females, but I venture to assume to at least some share my antagonism towards this particular type of "yellow fever" - the type that reflects and perpetuates insidious social constructs. Here is just the tip of the iceberg:

• a) A woman's desirability correlates positively to her submission to a male partner (note that this assumes she even wants a partner, let alone a male one) and inversely to her independence and agency

• b) Asians as a group are "submissive". Women are seen as eager to please (this puzzles me - have they never seen the ruthlessness of an auntie at the market?). Meanwhile, men are de-masculinized and/or invisible in mainstream culture (many have difficultly naming an Asian male celebrity besides Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan and "that guy from Crouching Tiger")

• c) Put a) and b) together, and you construct the "relationship" that so many of these feverish men idealize - one in which they hold the power to choose for both parties, while their "partners" are stripped of their human status

I put "relationship"above in quotes, because a real connection between two adults mandate that each respects the other fully as a fellow Being, with inviolable rights of physical and mental autonomy. Thus, when a man desires Asian women b/c he believes they will be more likely to submit to him, he does not actually love Asian women - in fact, he does not love women, period, because he clearly does not respect them. Women become objects of his objectification, not true affection. Connection cannot exist when it is founded on the condition that one continuously submits to another's will.

I do support one end of the "yellow fever" continuum - I support the cases that purely reflect the broader notion that we can and do prefer certain physical characteristics over others when choosing partners. What I don't support, however, is "submissive yellow fever" (admittedly, not as catchy of a label), which has little to do with Asians as individuals and all to do with the corrupt desire to connect with others on the hope that they will surrender their self-worths to mitigate one's own lack of worth.

That's the type of "yellow fever" that, well, makes me quite sick.


There are multiple layers of issues within this topic that deserve to be deconstructed further, such as older men/younger women, Asians as "model minority", Orientalism, etc. Even the phrase "yellow fever" itself lends to questions of what it easily includes (heterosexual) and excludes (queer) and why.

Shortest Distance Between Two People

Some positive psychology studies conclude that writing down funny moments daily in a journal helps promote long-term well-being and decreases risk for depression. I haven't developed a daily habit yet, but I do keep a list of hearty laughs from my vacations.

This past week, I visited one of my best friends cross country. One unique aspect of our friendship is the plethora of endearingly awkward/funny moments - attributed to the fact that we have notably different living, thinking, and speaking "cadences". 

In honor of this trip, I have recorded examples of such moments:

• Our reunion moment: right as my butt touches the passenger car seat, she yells "HUUUG!" I stare blankly for a moment and go in for a hug (delayed reaction), right as she blocks me with one hand and says "...OR maybe high-five...?"
• She plans a lot in advance when people visit, so when I finally arrive, she says "I'm tired. I feel like I've already been hanging out with you for the past 2 months"
• Seafood stew arrives at our table - simultaneous reactions: Her: "Ahhh...perfect size" ; Me: "Ahhh...such small portions"
• We have dichotomous water-intake habits, so by the end of our first full day together - simultaneous reactions: Her: "Gah...I've never had so much water" ; Me: "Gah...I feel dehydrated"
• In high school, I played a lot of competitive golf. B/c I couldn't eat a big meal and golf well, I learned to operate for most of the day a little hungry. Thus, when I'm with friends, I don't mind continuing our activities without much to eat. So on this trip, when people asked if I was hungry, she would respond, "Oh, she doesn't really get hungry. She is trained in not eating
• When I try to be too PC, I become a very ineffective communicator. This was the case when we had tea with her meditation teacher. I would ask a long-winded question. The teacher would look confused but try to respond. My friend would "translate" the question more concisely, and the teacher would say, "Mmmm, great question"
•  We both rejuvenate through alone time, so on the ride to airport for my return flight, rather than gush "I'll miss yous", we gush: "I'm really looking forward to being by myself" ; "OMG, I feel the same way"

Our friendship reminds me that two people can live and interact very differently and sometimes completely "miss" each others' rhythms. But rather than stunt connection, these moments connect us more deeply through laughter. And laughter, after all, is the shortest distance between two people.

As I Learn to Dance, I Learn to Live

This year, in spirit of increasing time for activities that stimulate me physically and/or mentally, I've incorporated hip hop dance into my weekly routine.

I have no past training or claim to special talent.  Thus, when I entered my first dance studio, I was intimidated by the soft spotlight lobby lighting, the wall stills of taut bodies in motions, and especially, the off-the-shoulder shirt/neon-shoe donning dancers.

But sometimes I get lucky at finding the right thing the first time. And when I stepped into my first class, I realized this was one of those times.

This dance class is taught by one hell of a teacher. She has an uncanny ability to incorporate all types of movements (robotic, fluid, grunge) and make them accessible to dancers of all levels and builds. She is confident yet self-deprecating. She is professional yet democratic with her (appropriately) flirty energy.

But perhaps the most amazing thing is her ability to create a rare gem of a dance community: where people bring their eagerness, not their egos; where people cheer for those next to them, rather than compare; where people smile when they "get" the choreography and giggle when they miss steps.

After a couple months of consistent classes, I've come to notice the parallels between the tenets of dance class and those of life:

1) Harness your mind, but don't live in it:
When you learn choreography, there is a line between using your mind to process your reality vs distract you from it. Our minds have long been trained to translate visual & verbal cues into motor commands (remember first time tying shoelaces, climbing stairs, using chopsticks?). However, when we sense a time limit and are wary of others watching/judging, our minds tend to concoct unnecessary distractions. These often come from a familiar inner voice that taunts, "you can't do this" or "bet you'll mess up".  It triggers our insecurities at the most (in)opportune moments and initiate cycles of self-fulfilling prophecies (distracting us with the anxiety of making mistakes so that we end up making more mistakes). It critiques us for sub-optimal performance but is responsible for creating the internal conditions that discourage optimal performance.

In dance and in life, it is crucial that we learn to dis-identify from this inner voice. One of the most life-changing lessons I learned was that this voice is not me - it is a byproduct of years of internalizing unhealthy social conditionings. The real me is the part that is aware of this voice.

You see, we need not be controlled by these reactive internal voices. We can decide for ourselves - if we practice observing and questioning, we find that these internal messages are rooted not in fact, but in insecurity and mental myopia. Many times, our greatest inhibitors are not our physical builds or learning aptitudes, but rather, anxiety and de-motivation induced by our conditioned inner bullies. While they may continue to resurface and taunt us, if we practice remaining detached, we can re-fuel the drive and passion to "get the choreography". 
 

2) 95% is practice, and "practice" is the test of genuine passion:
Most dancers will agree that every hour of performance requires manifold more hours of practice. Even glorious stages are transient cogs in careers surfeit with sweat, litany, doubt, disappointment, compromise, and more sweat - hardly glorious. Even on a small scale, we practice for over an hour in our dance class to "perform" in groups for several minutes at the end. Being able to find joy, inspiration, and flow during the "process" is critical to long-term motivation and resilience.

Without intrinsic reward, one's well-being depends on extrinsic rewards, which are highly precarious and "never enough" - how you measure against peers, how much praise or critique you're privy to, which institutions grant you access, which renowned names accept you. E.g., if hours of practice could be destabilized by meeting a dancer more skilled than you, how miserable all dancers would be! There would be few constructive relationships, schadenfreude when one others fail, withholding of information and mentoring, and little space for collaborative innovation. Even for those ranked #1, status at the top is short-lived, and there will always be sharp critics. Dependence on external validation creates unstable self-worth and a lifetime of comparing, coveting, judging, belittling, blaming, resenting.

Finally, even if one "makes it big", the initial high from gaining recognition/resources wears off, and what one really gains is a lot more dance - more practice, more process. When we pursue things for the "stage" rather than the process, we forget that success does result in more "stage" but also, tenfold more process. While we can be good, we won't be our best, because the intelligence of the world supports us most when we are driven by raw passion rather than status/validation/resources. Energy allocated to politics or relative comparisons, etc., takes away that needed for innovation, absorption, and adaptation. I can vouch that in every dance class in which I "performed" with the greatest confidence and accuracy were those in which I was too busy learning, making mistakes, having fun, and re-learning to think about the performance. And in retrospect, the same could be said of my life experiences.


3) Celebrate others' flavors but dance to your own:
There are some very skilled dancers in my classes. One in particular, "Lily", moves with such controlled fluidity and precision, it's hard to refrain from wishing, "if only I could move like her". I recently noticed that when I am in the one class we share together, I don't get "in the zone". Why? Maybe I'm not as compatible with that instructor's style. Maybe I tend to be tired on that day of the week. Or maybe, I self-sabotage through my fixation of wanting but failing to dance like Lily. When I become preoccupied with emulating someone else's flavor, it inevitably results in lower engagement, unnatural timing and missed steps.

Luckily, last week, I was reminded of an invaluable lesson. Near the end of class, one of the dancers beside Lily caught my eye. He and she have dichotomous physical builds - they both moved well but moved very differently. He moved in a way that fit his body, and there was such unabashed enthusiasm that his movements inspired awe and joy. And that's when I realized - he doesn't dance like her, but he moves beautifully; I will never dance like her, but I can learn to move beautifully in my own way. We pave the way for our best not by fixating on/imitating another's rhythm but by discovering/aligning with our own cadence. This might involve practices we observe in others, but the incorporation should be thoughtful and malleable, not automatic and intractable. The best dancers I've observed not only display trained skill but also unabashed self-respect and self-expression.


In sum, when we waste energy on bullying, validating, and comparing ourselves, we obstruct ourselves from learning, enjoying, and achieving. But if we learn to detach from our vicious inner voices, live for the process, and work from places of self-awareness/respect, we realize that we are not inadequate but "powerful beyond measure" (Marianne Williamson). Which means that we too can breathe life through limbs - we too can create revolution through movement.

I Want Me: My Good, My Bad, My Ugly

"Why do I get these strong negative feelings? I'm not a jealous or hateful person. Times like these, I get scared of myself"

(Dedicated to my dear friend, "Kira" - sometimes I wonder if we are parts of a shared past soul)

I've come to realize more and more that we cannot be our most resilient, most effective, and most compassionate, when we laud parts of ourselves and reject/shame the rest. When we cherry-pick and appreciate certain characteristics we deem desirable, while condemning and denying others, we are not  appreciating parts of ourselves, but rather, fortifying distorted  ideals.

1) While it's healthy to continually strive to improve how we think, decide, and act, we cannot grow effectively by suppressing our negative sides. Denial does nothing to treat the roots of destructive habits, just as sticking our heads in the sand does nothing to address our not knowing how to swim. In order to control our responses of frustration, anger, resentment, jealousy, hate, etc., we must first accept that we are capable of frustrating, angering, resenting, envying, hating. This realization doesn't suggest that we're incorrigibly "bad" -- it just helps direct our focus and reminds us that we are students in Living Life 201. Berating ourselves for not living up to one-dimensional ideals wastes our energy and forestalls our growth.

Becoming aware of and accepting that we have unhealthy responses is the first step of change. In college, when friends shared excitedly about research roles they landed or travel abroad fellowships, my desired reaction of enthusiasm was tainted with a twinge of envy. If I were to surrender that "I'm just a bad, envious person", a) no motivation to change, since you can't change something you "naturally are" and b) misdirected focus on the emotional response rather than the source. Rather than deny or suppress, I accepted and prodded - after some self-reflection, I realized that my envy stemmed from their good news' triggering the painful reminder that I hadn't found my calling. Energizing the drive and courage to find my own passion was the real issue I had to address -- envy was just a side effect.  

When we admit our triggers and approach them constructively, we can detach and give ourselves space to deconstruct the underlying cause (oftentimes, not the actual incident at hand but the memories or insecurities it evokes). If we can create space between a stimulus and our response, we create freedom - freedom to choose, freedom to change.


2) As human beings, almost all of us have the broad bandwidth for all types of psychosocial desires and emotions. There is no such thing as "good" people only having "good thoughts" and "bad" people having only "bad thoughts". Even the most docile understands the will to retaliate. Even the most violent understands the stress of being afraid. As criminal expert Gavin DeBecker avers, everyone can be aggressive enough to commit violence - what differs is only the justification. E.g., not everyone has physically bullied another, but all of us know what it's like to want to humiliate after we've been humiliated.  

Having fleeting thoughts and emotions of all kinds is okay - it's how we channel these thoughts into (in)actions that they gain the power to help or hurt. In order for law enforcement to prevent, in order for therapists to empathize, in order for people of vastly varied backgrounds to relate, we have to harbor and tap into a broad bandwidth of motivations and fears. It is only through our own aptitudes for all types of impulses, both constructive and destructive,  that we are able to understand, learn from, and predict the behavior of others. 


3) While we often zero in on stifling our vices, it's critical to remember that the very "virtues" that endear us to others can work against us. It is nice when a law student shares her detailed reading outline with her study group. It is nice when her study group acknowledges "Thank you; this [act of sharing] was really helpful". It is problematic when the study group decides "It's in her nature. She always want to help. She will always be willing to help". As my friend "Kira" recognized, a compassionate habit she chose to exercise suddenly became a burdensome expectation. What once provided a sense of fulfillment became a source of resentment.  

What we label "virtues" and "vices" are just points on a spectrum -- affection can turn into possession, drive can turn into narcissism, shame can turn into compassion. Thus, we should be at peace with experiencing all types of thoughts and desires, as long as we do our best to consciously navigate them in constructive ways. Virtues and vices are sides of the same die -- we can't roll with just half the sides.


It's inevitable that we are able to feel a broad spectrum of desires and emotions. The more we shame ourselves for having "bad" thoughts, the more we hinder our abilities to change for the better. As Brene Brown notes, "You cannot shame people into changing" - the same goes for ourselves. When we are able to accept, respect, and value our whole Beings, the "desirable" and "undesirable", opportunities for growth that were once fleeting may suddenly reveal themselves clearer in our purviews.

In Spirit of V-Day: How to Impress 101

For anyone out there trying to impress a certain someone (or multiple someones), particularly during this month of romantic social traditions, here's a quick 101 on how to truly leave a lasting impression:

• Show off your physical strength  --  intervene when someone is being harassed or bullied

• Show off your figure  --  skip the second round of drinks and donate the $10 to Oxfam 

• Show off your power  --  lead with compassion and prove that right is might

• Show off your wealth  --  tip extra to the taxi driver who gave you $8 in change when the meter read $12.25

• Show off your intelligence  --  admit "I don't know. Please teach me"

• Show off your mental toughness  --  sit with someone when they're struggling in shame; others heal you at the same time you heal them

• Show off your dance moves  --  groove, not to impress or suggest, but b/c the melody will burst in your chest if you don't

• Show off your beauty  --  smile genuinely when you see someone having a good day

• Show off your voice  --  converse with the intent to understand, rather than the intent to reply

• Show off your sociability  --  reach out to someone who is feeling alienated and admit "I'm been there too"

• Show off your accomplishments  --  recognize that each time you dare to see and then feel and then act, you've done something worthy

"If you look after goodness and truth, beauty [and desirability] will take care of itself" ~ Eric Gill

In Spirit of VDay: My Short Shorts

"My Short Shorts"

(A piece I wrote in 2010 - rather than scold our daughters on what (not) to wear, teach our sons not to rape)

My short shorts need no validation

That they are hot,

Happenin’,

And here to stay.

My short shorts do not beg for it:

They’re not asking you to take me to your place

Nor hinting for you to follow me to mine.

My short shorts pity your ignorance,

Thinking you can assume

My vulnerability

Malleability

Accessibility—

Fool, you have no idea who you’re dealing with.

My short shorts are a stand:

A stand for independence,

Defiance,

Self-assurance,

Woman.

My short shorts affirm my self-love:

Legs tingling. Hot sun.

Thighs caressing.

Kissing breeze

Flowing up two streams

Meeting inside

All they way inside

My “cunt-try”.

My short shorts don’t owe you a thing:

They didn’t ask for comments

They don’t want your attention,

So STOP—

Stop grabbing with hands

Stop undressing with eyes

Stop encroaching with words,

It’s not “harmless”—it’s harassment.

My short shorts do not excuse you;

My bare legs do not entitle you,

What I do or do not cover needs no validation from you and —

Neither. Do. I.

(Caveat: For those offended by the use of the word "cunt", please understand that the community with which I first shard this piece worked hard to reclaim the word. We did not agree that the penultimate insult for a woman should refer to the vagina, which for us was a symbol of utmost resilience and courage. Let us remember that it is not a word itself that is destructive but the way it is employed to dismiss or shame or silence. Within our group, it was used as a term of endearment.)

Dear John, This Is Not A Love Letter

(In spirit of V-Day's One Billion Rising and 15th anniversary this Valentine's Day)

Dear John,

We've met at various times and within various settings. I'm writing this to you to better explain my actions. But I must caveat - this is not a love letter nor an apology.

You approach me at the bus stop & say "I just want to tell you, you're beautiful". I reply "Thanks" and look away.
You approach me at the bar & ask "Can I get you a drink?". I reply "I'm good" and buy my own.
You approach me at the club & ask "Mind if I join you?". I reply "We're fine as is" and slide across the crowd.
You approach me at the cafe & ask "How's that book?". I reply "Good" and pull out earphones.
You approach me on the sidewalk & ask "Got plans for tonight?". I reply "Yes" and speed up pace.
You approach me at a restaurant & comment "Nice legs". I take a deep breath and continue my conversation.

It's not that I don't understand the guts needed to initiate a connection. It's not that I don't realize the disheartening residue of dismissed. But this goes beyond you & me. I'm not just responding as me, and I'm not just responding to you as you.

You see, since we were young, my sisters and I learned a scary lesson. How we learned it and to what degree it invades our lives vary greatly, but the core message is the same: your gender is a liability. As a female, your body has been and is  constantly under the threat of being used by men:

• For men who feel economically and socially powerless, your body can be a tool to fabricate a temporary semblance of superiority. This ranges from street harassment to stalking to gang rape  (1 in 3 women assaulted)
• For men who obey orders, your body can be a tool to eradicate a nation's will to resist, by breaking your spirit to break your grandfather's, your father's, your brother's, your son's (rape for "ethnic cleansing")
• For men who fall prey to media perpetuation that male prowess is tied to sexual aggression, your body can be a tool to shortcut homo-social acceptance (Men Can Stop Rape)
• For men who are taught their community will judge their worth by how much their partners deviate from stringent social expectations, your body can be a tool to prove their conformity and control (no matter how wealthy or beautiful)
• For men who capitalize on their fellow men's mental/spiritual atrophy, your body can be a tool rented for a type of access that they were never able to rightfully earn (anyone one of us)

John, I know that many men do not do this. I know that many revere their mothers, worry for their sisters, speak out for their friends, and galvanize their communities. But you should know that too many do the above, and they're everywhere - in our dorms, classrooms, homes, streets, bars, work. Sometimes, I get so angry at you, at what you represent. I don't let my guard down b/c I've learned I can't take that chance. We've learned we can't take that chance.

The night is different for us. Being out in nature is different for us. Walking on the streets is different for us. Being alone in our homes is different for us. Meeting people is different for us. Where we live, what we wear, what jobs we stay at, whom we smile at, whom we converse with, whose calls we return, whom we invite over, what transportation routes we take, how fast we walk, where we can travel - all different for us. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.

John, I want a world where I can smile and talk to strangers who understand "No" as a full sentence. Where I can invite acquaintances into my home who understand that friendliness is not an invitation or provocation. Where I can meet friends' fathers with an open heart, unburdened by accounts of their past abusive rages.

That's not our world, yet. But it can be - and my sisters and I, we need your your help. We need you to help us teach your sons and brothers and friends that --

• One's esteem for others is rooted in one's esteem for oneself
• The most fulfilling and committed connections are those with the greatest respect and freedom
• While strong people help themselves, stronger people also help others
• Pressures of "masculinity" dangle the promise of short-term social status but ultimately guarantee unnecessary physical risk, mental stunting, and shame/isolation

People can't live completely openly and trustingly, until men and women come together to establish communities that allow us to afford it.

Dear John, when that day comes, I will return your smile. And I will write you a love letter.

(Caveat: for purposes of introduction, issues have been grossly generalized/simplified. There are vastly different exposures to the spectrum of sexual violence among women and men, as well as the many who do not identify with either binary category. For the last two meta-groups, these issues are even more under-reported and under-represented.)

Strong Enough To Be Vulnerable. Vulnerable Enough to Become Strong.

( Courageous "me too" responses to my first post have inspired me to dig further into what I'm seeing as a collective phobia of vulnerability. This post has been re-written, thanks to provoking insights from my Mum & a valued friend "Ari")

"Vulnerability is not weakness. And that myth is profoundly  dangerous" (Brown, Listening to Shame). For most of my life, I too believed and perpetuated this myth. For most of my life, I too suffered from this myth.

A young child in China learns that crying exacerbates her aunt's punishments - b/c atop the physical sting of the slaps is the psychological sting of the resulting taunts ("You crying? What will that do? Go ahead").

A middle-schooler learns that saying "We're growing apart, and I want us close again" doesn't stop one from being labeled "needy" & dumped by one's best friend via locker note.

A higher schooler learns that showing emotional distress earns you dismissal as a "drama queen/crazy" girl and beatings as a "gay/pussy" boy.

A Cal freshman learns that daring to consider a lighter/realistic course load welcomes the condescension of peers in an environment that can confuse your worth with your assumed academic prowess.

A co-op inhabitant learns that filing a rape charge against her housemate induces community onslaught and censure that becomes another form of violation ("Why were you drunk? Why did you dress like that?") (1 in 4).

Our struggles may be different in outer form, but often, at the heart of them lies a shared sense of shame - the fear that if we admit our struggles and allow ourselves to be seen, we will be judged and rejected. B/c all of us can recall moments when we admitted struggle, allowed ourselves to be seen, and were  judged and rejected. These moments can be insidiously lasting, whether we realize it or not, and fuel hostile inner voices that shame us into silence and secrecy:

"You're the only one struggling like this. You're the only one who can't handle life. If you show others how weak you are, they'll want nothing to do with you. People respond to power, and power means always being in control. Learn to numb and pretend. You'll be more effective & desirable"

And so we arm ourselves with learned indifference because we expect others to withdraw, to dismiss, to deceive, to judge, to reject. We internalize society's myth that vulnerability is weakness, that we will be rejected for it, and that our lives are better without it.

So how do we live? We withdraw, we dismiss, we deceive, we judge, we reject. Clearly, something is not aligned.

But here's a secret that our "shaming inner voices" are terrified we'll uncover: when we are truthful with ourselves and others without ego (without the intention to silence/hurt/convince/control/validate), most people do not react with rejection. Most people react with appreciation, honesty, connection, respect - the very things we yearn for. Those who react with dismissal or hostility are exhibiting unhealthy reactive tendencies that reflect more upon their relationship with themselves than us. (*Caveat: We have all reacted in empathic and non-empathic ways, during healthier and unhealthier parts of our lives.)

I've seen vulnerability, from parents, friends, professors, sr colleagues, vagina warriors, martial arts instructors, student volunteers, performers, activists, acquaintances, and it looks nothing like weakness. It looks like:

• A best friend admitting, "You once intimidated me, and I was self-conscious being myself around you. Now I'm happy being myself around you"
• A parent admitting, "I'm sorry I keep judging you by the past. It's hard for me to let go of it"
• A professor admitting, "I joke to my students that the world is going to hell, but I care and worry about them. Am I making a difference?"
• A stage performer admitting, "Everyone is here to cheer me on. But I wish my dad were here"
• A student volunteer admitting, "The ang-moh tourists think we don't like them b/c they are white. We don't like them b/c they dismiss us [as Asians, as youth], and it hurts"
• An emerging activist admitting, "Sometimes I hesitate, for fear of becoming that guy who is always ranting about that one thing. Or always ranting about something"
• A martial arts instructor admitting, "I learned to fight when they learned to beat"
• An acquaintance admitting, "She didn't say 'no', but she didn't say 'yes'. I am so ashamed that I didn't realize it. I raped my ex, even though every time I said 'I love you', I meant it"
• A vagina warrior admitting, "When I share my story of being raped, it's not that I'm scared to re-live it. I'm scared that you will define me by it"

This is the vulnerability that I've witnessed. This is the vulnerability that I, and so many others, have been surprised by, disarmed by, impressed by, inspired by, and changed by.

We need to demystify the "vulnerability is weakness" myth by challenging society's definition of what is "vulnerable", as well as understanding the sources of our own "shaming inner voices". B/c the ability to be raw with oneself/others, without intention to silence/hurt/convince/control/validate, demonstrates tremendous inner strength and resilience. And for those of us lucky enough to witness, it creates some of the most compelling, connected, and perspective-shaping memories we hold.

Too Shamed to Share

"Shame...we all have it... And the less you talk about it, the more you have it" (Brene Brown)

One of my closest friends ("MT") & I discussed how sharing our struggles/reaching out to others for support is a nascent personal phenomenon for both of us. The rest of the world seems to do it all the time (sometimes a bit too much), but we had work to develop this after painstaking self-reflection, psychosocial introspection, and spiritual questing.

When MT asked what underlay my reserve to outreach during struggle, I was initially dismissive. Wasn't overly eager to plunge down that bunny-pit. But I was caught off-guard when MT suddenly revealed her reasons for her own reserve. It was honesty without defense. It was courage/vulnerability (synonymous, yes?), and it inspired me to plunge into the source of my own reserve - shame.

Growing up, I wasn't one to share my struggles with others. My thought process was this: nobody owes anyone else emotional investment. Emotional investment can be burdensome. I don't have a right to further burden others when they already endure their own. Up until recently, I relished in this "altruistic" habit. But I now realize I was only in denial - that the real source of my reserve was largely fueled my early internalization of 2 messages in childhood (*Caveat: note that the following was caused by the misinterpretations of my conditioned mind (the "ego") more so than other people's actions/intent).

Message #1: "You are not living up to your potential": first, you need to understand that my mother is incredibly  progressive. She never cared for social pressures, and though she was deeply loyal to filial ones, she never imposed filial obligation on me. She didn't believe in living through one's child and wanted nothing more for me than autonomy and competence. She showed by example what it was like to be an ultra-productive/conscious human being. She had a strong will to improve me starting from a young age, and they were all areas that I genuinely needed improvement. However, rather than interpreting her lessons as "I'm very worthy on my own. I have lots of room to grow and become even better", I internalized it as "I'm a wasteland of potential. The 'ideal me' is the real me that I was meant to be, but I always fall short." (This is how the ego works. It distorts even the most earnest and helpful efforts through its lens of insecurity.)

Message #2: "There is something fundamentally wrong with the way you are wired": My mother was wired to help others - for most of her life, that was the driving motivation. She gave generously to those who never gave back and returned 10X to those who did. My disposition was opposite. I was wary of being taken advantage of (after witnessing others take one-sidedly from her) and withheld generosity except for those I thought truly 'deserved' it. This caused a lot of tension, particularly as it related to our relatives. She was distraught that I was detached from relatives who reared me during early childhood. I was frustrated that my mother accepted continual emotional abuse from greedy and controlling people with whom we happened to share DNA. I didn't give in, and I believed my rationale to be sound. But unknowingly, I internalized one implication of our conflict: "Those who have hearts appreciate others' sacrifices. The fact that you can feel so little for those who have sacrificed for you, even if you didn't ask for the sacrifice, means there is something fundamentally wrong with you." (Again, this is how the ego works. It mistakes a learned way of thinking for a fundamental facet of your Being.)

Mix messages #1 + #2, allow them to stew in a societal pressure cooker next to a hearty roast of fear-of-unworthiness, drizzle this with insecurity, and season with validation-seeking, and voila, you create a dish of shame:

#1: I'm not worthy of others' emotional investment or help b/c I am not worthy in general. Not until I reach and live my potential. My successes are more attributed to luck than ability, b/c real ability stems from fulfilling one's potential.

#2: I'm not worthy of others' emotional investment or help b/c what if I turn on them one day? If I find I don't like them in their current/future state, I may ignore their past help & detach b/c that's just who I am. It is difficult to prevent this w/ those who gave unsolicited help, but what I can do is protect the rest by never involving them in the first place.

You can see how the ego shames us into hesitating, withdrawing, closing. Shame dictates so much of what we pursue and just as importantly, what we don't. One doesn't get rid of shame - one becomes resilient to it. Shame needs secrecy, silence, and judgment to grow, but if you douse it with empathy, it can't survive - "the two most powerful words when we're in struggle [are] 'me too'" (B. Brown). I'm learning to become more shame-resilient b/c some incredible people have shown me their "me too" side. So I guess this is my way of paying it forward.