Ego = 1 / Knowledge: Arrogance vs. Confidence

 

Sometimes I question if I am a very intolerant tolerant person or a very tolerant intolerant person.

I can be very open-minded. A healthy intimate relationship among three people? Amazing. Pursuit of becoming a rapper? Courageous. Preference for frequent Vegas weekends? Fun. Preference for staying in? Fun. Member of a consent-focused BDSM community? Beautiful. Plan for 5 children? Joyous. Plan for no children? Joyous.

But when it comes to filtering for friendship investment, I mandate certain values/attitudes and harbor a couple Clifford-size pet peeves. One of my sharpest turnoffs is arrogance.

When I encounter someone who presents an "I am great - in fact, better than most/all" attitude, I know we won't become close (yes, I realize effects of self-fulfilling prophecy). I avoid at the onset or detach post a few hang-outs. You see, while some of my besties practice "unless there is a strong reason not to connect, let's try", I practice "unless there is a strong reason to connect, let's continue our lives as is".

Now, I want to be clear to distinguish arrogance from confidence. Mainstream representation suggests a thin difference, but I find the two dichotomous. In fact, I believe arrogance is evidence of diffidence - a lack of genuine esteem:

• Confidence doesn't mean hiding one's accomplishments - it means acknowledging them at appropriate times, for appropriate reasons. Confidence is supporting one's study ethic by highlighting one's near-perfect LSAT score to the admissions officer (not me but one of my besties). Arrogance is the overwhelming need to announce one's exact score when asked "how did you do" in casual converesation b/c "good" just wouldn't garner sufficient validation.

• Confidence doesn't mean downplaying one's skill level - it means recognizing the myopia of our self-evaluation lens. Confidence is working hard and recognizing that one "gets" choreography faster than most others in a class. Arrogance is believing that this makes one a "good dancer", because outside one's small pond is a vast ocean full of those more passionate and well-trained.

I developed this conviction around confidence and arrogance when I was very young. It is plausible, actually, when you considered with whom I grew up:

Dad
Dad isn't your chattiest Charlie - when others debate in social settings, he listens intently, sprinkles a few comments, and admits when he is uncertain. But he reads the news religiously and has a great memory for dates and names - if you probe, you realize just how much knowledge he has acquired. He says "I think" or "it's likely", even when he is quite sure. Many who mistake this as lack of knowledge miss the underlying wisdom - of how many things can we actually be certain? Did we really read the article that closely? Did we confirm with multiple sources? Did we conduct our own empirical experiments to verify?

I recall the many times I heard others voicing opinions so eloquently and absolutely, which was surprising considering how superficial their knowledge revealed itself when probed with the slightest of follow-up questions. 

I recall people overlooking my dad's solid knowledge for others' semblance of confidence. I wondered whether they were just attempting to placate internal insecurities by grasping at inflated external certainty. I was lucky to have my dad as a helpful resource growing up (though later Mum realized I asked to avoid having to look things up myself). He represents one of my favorite adages: "A wise man says 'I think'; a fool says 'I know'".


Mum
Mum embodies the ideal I dream for myself - well, rather, the ideal is based off her. As a child, she suffered great poverty during the Cultural Revolution. Every day was a test of will, because starting the day carrying over your body weight in firewood while climbing miles of mountainous terrain on a starving stomach means you have nothing to save you but your will. Her circumstances were unrelenting, but she was even more so. She overcame seemingly impossible odds, such as earning a coveted spot in university at a time where young dreamers were beaten for educational pursuits (we're talking 2 being admitted for that program...no, not 2%. 2 students). 

My mum is the epitome of raw competence - no embellishment, no pretense, because she doesn't need it. She also happens to be one of the most compassionate and humble people you'll come across. Does she not remember her endless list of odds-defying feats? Does she not realize that she has been great, if not among the best, at everything she pursues? Of course not. Mum has always had a strong sense of self-worth and even stronger will. But see, her humility had nothing to do with a lack of belief in herself - it had everything to do with her esteem for others. 

I recall the many times others gloated to her about their achievements (which paled in comparison), and I saw her graciously smile and refrain from counter-gloating. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to point out their own myopia, how many times I laughed inside and thought "if you only knew".


Growing up with these two parents was much more than I deserved. They taught me lessons by example, including what real competence and confidence was. I believe the most competent people are also among the most humble. To achieve that kind of ability (not necessarily "success" in terms of money or status), one has to have a somewhat enlightened consciousness, which means one recognizes the vastness of the world and the myopia of one's own.

We live in a society that is bombarded with stereotypes of what "confident" should look like and messages that assert the importance and benefits of "faking it". I am not denying my own biases and unconscious susceptibility to such messages, but I am also not going to surrender my pursuit of living out my values. 

I want to help build a world I want to live in. I want to live in a world where people like my father are heard - where the opinions of the wise who say "I think" are valued above those of the fools who assert "I know". I want to live in a world where people like my mother are recognized and appreciated more than those who are eager to self-praise, blindly assuming that no one could match, let alone pown, their feats. 

I have been lucky to meet many competent, profound, authentic, humble people. My best friends are very different from one another, but they all share that in common.

For those who are most genuine in their pursuits and who recognize that the roots of confidence and humility are one and the same, I will continue to look up to them. I will continue to learn from them. I will continue to be honored to be a part of their lives. And I will continue to remind them that there are people who see them for their worth - a worth that is so much more than could ever be gloated.

Being Right, Making Wrong

"Love Buttons, Love Bites"
(Gregory Sale)

Me: "[People have different ways of life.] There are those who are homosexual, bisexual - some, asexual, and...."

A: "Or so they claim..."

Me: O_O ........ AFKELRJEWORIDNVKSDJS

Recently, I got into an argument with "A", an acquaintance I met through one of my besties. We were downing coffee & custard cake when I noted that I believed sexual orientation was a spectrum, and different ways were equally legitimate. When A promptly refuted this, my Krav Maga feminist side wanted to deliver a #1 elbow. Granted, I had enough control not to, but I did become emotionally triggered and verbally reactive.

We have all had moments like this; even for the most zen-aspiring, there are still a few topics that trigger more fervent reactions than others. Rather than avoid these topics, however, we can use them as opportunities for mini self-growth spurts. Though the incident itself was minor, I wanted to employ it to remind myself some invaluable lessons:

1) When we react heatedly (to non-life threatening incidents), often we are not reacting to the isolated incidents but to the collective memories of pain that they evoke. Was what A said grossly abusive or unjust? No, not at all. But my reaction had little to do with her as a person or her specific opinion. In fact, I've heard that opinion my whole life, which is precisely why I was triggered.

To me, she echoed prevalent notions that those who live outside social norms are either deliberately misleading others or unknowingly misunderstanding themselves. All I could think of was how this argument has been used against so many who didn't fit within constricting "norm" expectations to shame, dismiss, and undermine the legitimacy of their choices.

Was A's intent to perpetuate this cycle? Maybe, maybe not. I didn't confirm, because I surrendered to my own mental shortcuts, which were quick to label her intentions and project them onto a collective grievance I volunteered to redress. By inexorably broadcasting my own opinions, I attempted to dismiss and undermine the legitimacy of hers, which oddly, was the same cycle of (un)thinking that I was defending against.

I can see the connectedness of harmful social perpetuations, and I hope to deconstruct them. However, I know I can't reach people in the present if I immediately presume and react with the weight of the past. The only way mindsets evolve is to create spaces where all speakers feel heard and are open to hearing. 


2) The domineering need to be "right" stems not from the pursuit of truth or knowledge but nervous protection of one's (mis-attributed) identity. Now, I wholly support developing informed opinions and vocalizing them. However, sharing knowledge and questing for truth are not the same as force-feeding one's opinions to claim "right".

We've all witnessed people defending their opinions so fervently, it's as if they were defending their lives. Why? Well, they actually are  defending their lives - or abstract lives, at least. Many of us lose touch with our real selves (inner Beings) early on in life, so we outsource our identities. We begin to mis-identify our status/things/reputation for our core - thus, my  stance becomes me, so if you ridicule my  opinions, I feel you ridiculing me  at the core. When you attack my belief, by proxy, you attack my existence.

During our argument, it was evident that neither party was listening to the other. No knowledge was being exchanged and no questing for truth. I used to do this all the time (no wonder poor Mum had so many headaches). Over the years, I had to put in a lot of work to untrain myself out of this mental habit. As this incident demonstrated, I still have a long way to go before I live out my zen aspirations, but I am glad that this reminded me of the folly of mis-attributing one's identity. True self-worth is not based on volatile external factors, such as the number of "one-ups" you obtain on others. It stems from the realization that one's full potential lies within, sourced from the formidable, stable consciousness underlying all Beings.

3) Reactions of emotional hysteria or inconsiderate stoicism are actually two sides of the same coin  - inability to navigate emotional triggers. Our community and media glorify the Harvey Specters of the world - you know, the stoic unrelenting non-negotiable negotiators. They suggest that not reacting to or even acknowledging emotions are manifestations of strength. Thus, as a child, I learned how to numb and refrain from empathy. But through these past years of deep introspection, I've come to realize that what I once admired (numbing) and abhorred (emotional hysteria) are symptoms of the same root ailment - lack of competence in navigating emotional triggers. We numb not because we are invincible to pain - we numb when we haven't learned how to endure and treat the pain. 

One of the keys to learning how to navigate emotions constructively is practicing empathy. Empathy doesn't mean accepting grossly unjust views or undermining one's own voice. It means forgoing our "numbing security blankets" and daring to reach out to adopt different lenses. When I put myself in A's shoes, I can understand the effects of her science background and her defensive reaction to my own defensiveness. We met again after this incident - this time, I made a conscious effort to practice curiosity and empathy. To my surprise, I found that on many issues, we were able to bridge connection. When's one own ground is well-rooted and solid, one need not feel threatened to momentarily step onto other grounds and try the view. 

In sum, I recognize there will always be issues I am particularly opinionated about - I hope so, since that means I at least have passion for something. But I also recognize that one's passion is most genuine when one can also maintain compassion, that one's voice is most resonant when one's ear is attuned. I still have a looong way to zen, but I will do my best to contribute to the type of world I want to live in - where there is passion without ego, voice without raucous noise, and finding "right" without making wrong.