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| "Love Buttons, Love Bites" (Gregory Sale) |
A: "Or so they claim..."
Me: O_O ........ AFKELRJEWORIDNVKSDJS
Me: O_O ........ AFKELRJEWORIDNVKSDJS
Recently, I got into an argument with "A", an
acquaintance I met through one of my besties. We were downing coffee & custard cake when I noted that I believed sexual orientation was a spectrum, and different ways were equally legitimate. When A promptly refuted this, my Krav Maga feminist side wanted to deliver a #1 elbow. Granted, I had enough control not
to, but I did become emotionally
triggered and verbally reactive.
We have all had moments like this; even for the most zen-aspiring, there are still a few topics that trigger more fervent reactions than others. Rather than avoid these topics, however, we can use them as opportunities for mini self-growth spurts. Though the
incident itself was minor, I wanted to employ it to remind myself some invaluable lessons:
1)
When we react heatedly (to non-life threatening incidents), often we are not reacting to the
isolated incidents but to the collective memories of
pain that they evoke. Was what A said grossly abusive or unjust? No, not at all. But
my reaction had little to do with her as a person
or her specific opinion. In fact, I've heard that opinion my whole life,
which is precisely why I was triggered.
To me, she echoed prevalent notions that those who live outside social norms are either deliberately misleading others or unknowingly misunderstanding themselves. All I could think of was how this argument has been used against so many who didn't fit within constricting "norm" expectations to shame, dismiss, and undermine the legitimacy of their choices.
Was A's intent to perpetuate this cycle? Maybe, maybe not. I didn't confirm, because I surrendered to my own mental shortcuts, which were quick to label her intentions and project them onto a collective grievance I volunteered to redress. By inexorably broadcasting my own opinions, I attempted to dismiss and undermine the legitimacy of hers, which oddly, was the same cycle of (un)thinking that I was defending against.
To me, she echoed prevalent notions that those who live outside social norms are either deliberately misleading others or unknowingly misunderstanding themselves. All I could think of was how this argument has been used against so many who didn't fit within constricting "norm" expectations to shame, dismiss, and undermine the legitimacy of their choices.
Was A's intent to perpetuate this cycle? Maybe, maybe not. I didn't confirm, because I surrendered to my own mental shortcuts, which were quick to label her intentions and project them onto a collective grievance I volunteered to redress. By inexorably broadcasting my own opinions, I attempted to dismiss and undermine the legitimacy of hers, which oddly, was the same cycle of (un)thinking that I was defending against.
I can see the connectedness of harmful social perpetuations, and I hope to deconstruct them. However, I know I can't reach people in the present if I immediately presume and react with the weight of the past. The only way mindsets evolve is to create spaces where all speakers feel heard and are open to hearing.
2) The domineering need to be "right" stems not from the pursuit of truth or knowledge but nervous protection of one's (mis-attributed) identity. Now, I wholly support developing informed opinions and vocalizing them. However, sharing knowledge and questing for truth are not the same as force-feeding one's opinions to claim "right".
We've all witnessed people defending their opinions so fervently, it's as if they were defending their lives. Why? Well, they actually are defending their lives - or abstract lives, at least. Many of us lose touch with our real selves (inner Beings) early on in life, so we outsource our identities. We begin to mis-identify our status/things/reputation for our core - thus, my stance becomes me, so if you ridicule my opinions, I feel you ridiculing me at the core. When you attack my belief, by proxy, you attack my existence.
During our argument, it was evident that neither party was listening to the other. No knowledge was being exchanged and no questing for truth. I used to do this all the time (no wonder poor Mum had so many headaches). Over the years, I had to put in a lot of work to untrain myself out of this mental habit. As this incident demonstrated, I still have a long way to go before I live out my zen aspirations, but I am glad that this reminded me of the folly of mis-attributing one's identity. True self-worth is not based on volatile external factors, such as the number of "one-ups" you obtain on others. It stems from the realization that one's full potential lies within, sourced from the formidable, stable consciousness underlying all Beings.
2) The domineering need to be "right" stems not from the pursuit of truth or knowledge but nervous protection of one's (mis-attributed) identity. Now, I wholly support developing informed opinions and vocalizing them. However, sharing knowledge and questing for truth are not the same as force-feeding one's opinions to claim "right".
We've all witnessed people defending their opinions so fervently, it's as if they were defending their lives. Why? Well, they actually are defending their lives - or abstract lives, at least. Many of us lose touch with our real selves (inner Beings) early on in life, so we outsource our identities. We begin to mis-identify our status/things/reputation for our core - thus, my stance becomes me, so if you ridicule my opinions, I feel you ridiculing me at the core. When you attack my belief, by proxy, you attack my existence.
During our argument, it was evident that neither party was listening to the other. No knowledge was being exchanged and no questing for truth. I used to do this all the time (no wonder poor Mum had so many headaches). Over the years, I had to put in a lot of work to untrain myself out of this mental habit. As this incident demonstrated, I still have a long way to go before I live out my zen aspirations, but I am glad that this reminded me of the folly of mis-attributing one's identity. True self-worth is not based on volatile external factors, such as the number of "one-ups" you obtain on others. It stems from the realization that one's full potential lies within, sourced from the formidable, stable consciousness underlying all Beings.
3)
Reactions of emotional hysteria or inconsiderate
stoicism are actually two sides of the same coin -
inability to navigate emotional triggers. Our community and media glorify the Harvey Specters of the world - you
know, the stoic unrelenting non-negotiable negotiators. They suggest that not reacting to or even acknowledging emotions are
manifestations of strength. Thus, as a child, I
learned how to numb and refrain from empathy. But through these past years of deep
introspection, I've come to realize that what I
once admired (numbing) and abhorred (emotional hysteria) are symptoms
of the same root ailment - lack of competence in navigating emotional
triggers. We numb not because we are invincible to pain - we numb when we haven't learned how to endure and treat the pain.
One of the keys to learning how to navigate emotions constructively is practicing empathy. Empathy doesn't mean
accepting grossly unjust views or undermining one's own voice.
It means forgoing our "numbing security blankets" and daring to reach out to adopt different lenses. When I put myself in A's shoes, I can understand the effects of her science background and her defensive reaction to my own defensiveness. We met again after this incident - this time, I made a conscious effort to practice curiosity and empathy. To my surprise, I found that on many issues, we were able to bridge connection. When's one own ground is well-rooted and solid, one need
not feel threatened to momentarily step onto other grounds and try the
view.
In sum, I recognize there will always be issues I am particularly opinionated
about - I hope so, since that means I at least have passion for something. But I
also recognize that one's passion is most genuine when one can also maintain
compassion, that one's voice is most resonant when one's ear is attuned. I still have a looong way to zen, but I will do my best to contribute to the type of world I want to live in - where there is passion without ego,
voice without raucous noise, and finding "right" without making
wrong.
Great reflection on the discussion you had with the other person :)
ReplyDeleteA piece of advice that has helped me navigate difficult conversations such as the one you mentioned above where the ego is triggered is to go into the discussion with the mentality of "how can we facilitate a discussion that will bring out the best side for all parties involved?" By "best side", I mean a side of person that is receptive to what is being discussed. To achieve this, it's exactly what you described in your post -- to come from a place of genuine care for the other person and a desire to understand their perspective. Having this ability is extremely important. It fosters discussion about controversial topics that tend to be avoided (e.g. politics, religion, sex), which I think are avoided more because it's difficult to keep our egos out of these discussions than it being controversial.
Going back to the mentality of "how can we facilitate a discussion that will bring out the best side for all parties involved?", I've asked my friends for feedback on what this means to them by asking how they like confrontations to be addressed, when they feel most comfortable sharing, and to have them give me feedback on my approach. The invaluable feedback I've received from them made me realize how I was triggering others without even realizing. While discussions are rooted in logic, the approach we take in addressing these topics is just as important to consider because the emotions we can evoke with our words can make or break the effectiveness of a discussion.
To add to #3, "anger is the cloak sadness wears". Some people feel anger more readily than sadness, but it stems from the same pain. I agree - anger is the manifestation of one's inability to deal with the underlying pain.