Ego = 1 / Knowledge: Arrogance vs. Confidence

 

Sometimes I question if I am a very intolerant tolerant person or a very tolerant intolerant person.

I can be very open-minded. A healthy intimate relationship among three people? Amazing. Pursuit of becoming a rapper? Courageous. Preference for frequent Vegas weekends? Fun. Preference for staying in? Fun. Member of a consent-focused BDSM community? Beautiful. Plan for 5 children? Joyous. Plan for no children? Joyous.

But when it comes to filtering for friendship investment, I mandate certain values/attitudes and harbor a couple Clifford-size pet peeves. One of my sharpest turnoffs is arrogance.

When I encounter someone who presents an "I am great - in fact, better than most/all" attitude, I know we won't become close (yes, I realize effects of self-fulfilling prophecy). I avoid at the onset or detach post a few hang-outs. You see, while some of my besties practice "unless there is a strong reason not to connect, let's try", I practice "unless there is a strong reason to connect, let's continue our lives as is".

Now, I want to be clear to distinguish arrogance from confidence. Mainstream representation suggests a thin difference, but I find the two dichotomous. In fact, I believe arrogance is evidence of diffidence - a lack of genuine esteem:

• Confidence doesn't mean hiding one's accomplishments - it means acknowledging them at appropriate times, for appropriate reasons. Confidence is supporting one's study ethic by highlighting one's near-perfect LSAT score to the admissions officer (not me but one of my besties). Arrogance is the overwhelming need to announce one's exact score when asked "how did you do" in casual converesation b/c "good" just wouldn't garner sufficient validation.

• Confidence doesn't mean downplaying one's skill level - it means recognizing the myopia of our self-evaluation lens. Confidence is working hard and recognizing that one "gets" choreography faster than most others in a class. Arrogance is believing that this makes one a "good dancer", because outside one's small pond is a vast ocean full of those more passionate and well-trained.

I developed this conviction around confidence and arrogance when I was very young. It is plausible, actually, when you considered with whom I grew up:

Dad
Dad isn't your chattiest Charlie - when others debate in social settings, he listens intently, sprinkles a few comments, and admits when he is uncertain. But he reads the news religiously and has a great memory for dates and names - if you probe, you realize just how much knowledge he has acquired. He says "I think" or "it's likely", even when he is quite sure. Many who mistake this as lack of knowledge miss the underlying wisdom - of how many things can we actually be certain? Did we really read the article that closely? Did we confirm with multiple sources? Did we conduct our own empirical experiments to verify?

I recall the many times I heard others voicing opinions so eloquently and absolutely, which was surprising considering how superficial their knowledge revealed itself when probed with the slightest of follow-up questions. 

I recall people overlooking my dad's solid knowledge for others' semblance of confidence. I wondered whether they were just attempting to placate internal insecurities by grasping at inflated external certainty. I was lucky to have my dad as a helpful resource growing up (though later Mum realized I asked to avoid having to look things up myself). He represents one of my favorite adages: "A wise man says 'I think'; a fool says 'I know'".


Mum
Mum embodies the ideal I dream for myself - well, rather, the ideal is based off her. As a child, she suffered great poverty during the Cultural Revolution. Every day was a test of will, because starting the day carrying over your body weight in firewood while climbing miles of mountainous terrain on a starving stomach means you have nothing to save you but your will. Her circumstances were unrelenting, but she was even more so. She overcame seemingly impossible odds, such as earning a coveted spot in university at a time where young dreamers were beaten for educational pursuits (we're talking 2 being admitted for that program...no, not 2%. 2 students). 

My mum is the epitome of raw competence - no embellishment, no pretense, because she doesn't need it. She also happens to be one of the most compassionate and humble people you'll come across. Does she not remember her endless list of odds-defying feats? Does she not realize that she has been great, if not among the best, at everything she pursues? Of course not. Mum has always had a strong sense of self-worth and even stronger will. But see, her humility had nothing to do with a lack of belief in herself - it had everything to do with her esteem for others. 

I recall the many times others gloated to her about their achievements (which paled in comparison), and I saw her graciously smile and refrain from counter-gloating. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to point out their own myopia, how many times I laughed inside and thought "if you only knew".


Growing up with these two parents was much more than I deserved. They taught me lessons by example, including what real competence and confidence was. I believe the most competent people are also among the most humble. To achieve that kind of ability (not necessarily "success" in terms of money or status), one has to have a somewhat enlightened consciousness, which means one recognizes the vastness of the world and the myopia of one's own.

We live in a society that is bombarded with stereotypes of what "confident" should look like and messages that assert the importance and benefits of "faking it". I am not denying my own biases and unconscious susceptibility to such messages, but I am also not going to surrender my pursuit of living out my values. 

I want to help build a world I want to live in. I want to live in a world where people like my father are heard - where the opinions of the wise who say "I think" are valued above those of the fools who assert "I know". I want to live in a world where people like my mother are recognized and appreciated more than those who are eager to self-praise, blindly assuming that no one could match, let alone pown, their feats. 

I have been lucky to meet many competent, profound, authentic, humble people. My best friends are very different from one another, but they all share that in common.

For those who are most genuine in their pursuits and who recognize that the roots of confidence and humility are one and the same, I will continue to look up to them. I will continue to learn from them. I will continue to be honored to be a part of their lives. And I will continue to remind them that there are people who see them for their worth - a worth that is so much more than could ever be gloated.