Dear John, This Is Not A Love Letter

(In spirit of V-Day's One Billion Rising and 15th anniversary this Valentine's Day)

Dear John,

We've met at various times and within various settings. I'm writing this to you to better explain my actions. But I must caveat - this is not a love letter nor an apology.

You approach me at the bus stop & say "I just want to tell you, you're beautiful". I reply "Thanks" and look away.
You approach me at the bar & ask "Can I get you a drink?". I reply "I'm good" and buy my own.
You approach me at the club & ask "Mind if I join you?". I reply "We're fine as is" and slide across the crowd.
You approach me at the cafe & ask "How's that book?". I reply "Good" and pull out earphones.
You approach me on the sidewalk & ask "Got plans for tonight?". I reply "Yes" and speed up pace.
You approach me at a restaurant & comment "Nice legs". I take a deep breath and continue my conversation.

It's not that I don't understand the guts needed to initiate a connection. It's not that I don't realize the disheartening residue of dismissed. But this goes beyond you & me. I'm not just responding as me, and I'm not just responding to you as you.

You see, since we were young, my sisters and I learned a scary lesson. How we learned it and to what degree it invades our lives vary greatly, but the core message is the same: your gender is a liability. As a female, your body has been and is  constantly under the threat of being used by men:

• For men who feel economically and socially powerless, your body can be a tool to fabricate a temporary semblance of superiority. This ranges from street harassment to stalking to gang rape  (1 in 3 women assaulted)
• For men who obey orders, your body can be a tool to eradicate a nation's will to resist, by breaking your spirit to break your grandfather's, your father's, your brother's, your son's (rape for "ethnic cleansing")
• For men who fall prey to media perpetuation that male prowess is tied to sexual aggression, your body can be a tool to shortcut homo-social acceptance (Men Can Stop Rape)
• For men who are taught their community will judge their worth by how much their partners deviate from stringent social expectations, your body can be a tool to prove their conformity and control (no matter how wealthy or beautiful)
• For men who capitalize on their fellow men's mental/spiritual atrophy, your body can be a tool rented for a type of access that they were never able to rightfully earn (anyone one of us)

John, I know that many men do not do this. I know that many revere their mothers, worry for their sisters, speak out for their friends, and galvanize their communities. But you should know that too many do the above, and they're everywhere - in our dorms, classrooms, homes, streets, bars, work. Sometimes, I get so angry at you, at what you represent. I don't let my guard down b/c I've learned I can't take that chance. We've learned we can't take that chance.

The night is different for us. Being out in nature is different for us. Walking on the streets is different for us. Being alone in our homes is different for us. Meeting people is different for us. Where we live, what we wear, what jobs we stay at, whom we smile at, whom we converse with, whose calls we return, whom we invite over, what transportation routes we take, how fast we walk, where we can travel - all different for us. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.

John, I want a world where I can smile and talk to strangers who understand "No" as a full sentence. Where I can invite acquaintances into my home who understand that friendliness is not an invitation or provocation. Where I can meet friends' fathers with an open heart, unburdened by accounts of their past abusive rages.

That's not our world, yet. But it can be - and my sisters and I, we need your your help. We need you to help us teach your sons and brothers and friends that --

• One's esteem for others is rooted in one's esteem for oneself
• The most fulfilling and committed connections are those with the greatest respect and freedom
• While strong people help themselves, stronger people also help others
• Pressures of "masculinity" dangle the promise of short-term social status but ultimately guarantee unnecessary physical risk, mental stunting, and shame/isolation

People can't live completely openly and trustingly, until men and women come together to establish communities that allow us to afford it.

Dear John, when that day comes, I will return your smile. And I will write you a love letter.

(Caveat: for purposes of introduction, issues have been grossly generalized/simplified. There are vastly different exposures to the spectrum of sexual violence among women and men, as well as the many who do not identify with either binary category. For the last two meta-groups, these issues are even more under-reported and under-represented.)